4/60

MEDITATION #25

Bikram Kaimuki - class #62
8:15 pm w/ Michele

Good class again tonight. Very hot and steamy. I felt strong and even got a compliment from Michele on my standing bow. Chatted it up in the lobby after with a couple fellow yogi's - which I don't usually do. Michele asked how much weight I've lost and told me how great I was doing. Which, of course, I already know. But hearing it really made my night.

This is right in line with something that I have already been thinking about for the last couple of days. Sometimes I re-read my blog and feel like I sound terribly vain and ego-centered. I know, in all honesty, that I am certainly neither of those things. But sometimes I almost feel guilty for the glee I feel when I look in the mirror and see the slimmer, fitter body staring back at me.

It's sort of like I'm afraid that I will turn into some kind of brainless Barbie-doll type if I continue to lose weight and shape up. Yes - I do know how completely and utterly ridiculous that is. But somewhere in my childhood or adolescence I got it stuck in my head that it was bad or at least silly to want to look good.

Major news flash - I DO want to look good. We all do. And on the one had I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But on the other hand I feel on some deep level that I shouldn't care so much about my outward appearance. This is something I struggle with. Weird, huh? But also pretty typical of the contradictory messages we are bombarded with from the time we are very young.

That brings me to today's meditation which is about pride. Gates talks about how putting truthfulness into practice during yoga is an exercise in humility. But he also says that humility has two sides. There is the letting go of the good as well as the bad. But the aspect he discusses that really hit me is that humility is also the awareness that we cannot afford to play small.

I feel that this is sort of what I've been doing. For the last several years I've been kind of just hanging out. I've used the extra weight as an excuse not to go out into the world and interact more with people. I've used food to comfort me instead of dealing with my emotions head on. Today's Daily Om deals with this exact issue - using outside influences to numb your feelings. WOW. I am really getting a double or even triple whammy here. I think that I should revist this meditation again tomorrow because there is so much for me to contemplate and sit with.


Today's Food Choices:
cafe mocha w/ soy milk
glazed doughnut w/ chocolate filling
(10:00 am - The Patisserie)
green salad w/ tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, & onions
(2 pm - work)
8 oz Kombucha
(5:30 pm - work)