Bikram Kaimuki - class #58
8:15 pm w/ Michele

I was hurting in class tonight. I felt nauseous and dizzy from the first breathing exercise. It was also extra hot, so I knew I was in trouble from the very beginning. I cut a bunch of the postures short, but amazingly did not miss any of them.

I'm pretty sure I had way too much sugar throughout the day combined with not enough fruits and veggies. And to make matters worse, I didn't drink nearly enough water. But come to think of it, I also did not take my Yoga Body supplements or my Biomins - not even once - so that could have contributed.

Tonight in class Michele shared that her first 30 days of taking Bikram she used to throw up in the parking lot after class because she was detoxing so heavily. HMMM. I've puked after running or swimming but never after yoga. Tonight after class I felt the closest I ever have to yoga induced vomitus. I stayed in final savasana extra long and tried to breathe really slow and deep. I still felt pretty whacked when I finally did get up but didn't get sick. I took an EmergenC dissolved in water when I got home and that seemed to help a little.

Today I ordered vegetarian pho soup for lunch and when I got back to the office realized they had given me chicken by mistake. I didn't have time or energy to walk back over to Baile so I just picked out as much of the chicken as I could. I don't think that had anything to do with my evening nausea but who knows?

I am really exhausted so I will revisit meditation #23 tomorrow. Namaste and Goodnight.

Today's Weight: 214.5
(somehow just like that I'm back down again!)


Today's Food Choices:
cafe mocha w/ soy milk
glazed doughnut w/ chocolate frosting
(10:30 am The Patisserie)
chicken pho soup
(2 pm - Baile)
peanut butter bar w/ chocolate chips
hot chocolate w/ soy milk
(7 pm - Coffee Talk)

Bikram Kaimuki - class #57
8:15 w/ Jeremy

I really felt bad for Jeremy tonight. He came in to teach the 6:30 class as a favor and then the teacher for the 8:15 class didn't show up so he stayed to teach that one, too. He was not happy but didn't let it affect his dialogue. What a friggin pro - I am so grateful and more than a little bit impressed. He guided us through a solid practice like it was the first class he'd taught all day when in reality it was his fifth. He is totally my hero right now.

Makes me feel even more like shite for missing 2 days in a row of yoga. And I didn't blog yesterday, either so I am a little disappointed with myself. In my defense, I missed A & P lecture as well last night because I was feeling crappy. Not to mention it was raining and there were flash flood warnings for the entire island of Oahu. But I broke my cardinal rule. I realize that what matters is not how you fall but how quickly you get back up in the saddle. So I'm going to make this a 2 day slump rather than a week long one. Instead of berating myself I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and get right back on track like nothing happened.

I am actually thinking seriously about starting a 60 day challenge before my trip to California. I am inspired by reading the blogs about challenges you all have done or are currently doing. I've got between now and St. Patrick's Day to decide, which is 60 days out from the day I leave. For the time being I will try to get back to basics. I will go to yoga for the next 6 days in a row. Then allow myself one day off Monday 3/16. Then most likely start the challenge Tuesday 3/17. I will also try not to worry so much about food while still avoiding animal products. It's a tall order, but my success has everything to do with my attitude. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to do my best in every situation.

I've got to get back into the mindset that yoga is non-negotiable. Meat and dairy are also non-negotiable. I need to stop with the head games and little bargains I make with myself. The "I'll start fresh tomorrow and be super good" rationale that makes slipping up allowable. I was - no *I am* - doing really good. I'm well on my way to reaching my goal weight and getting my body into prime shape. But I've still got a ways to go. There is much more work to be done. I can't rest on my laurels. I've got to keep on keeping on. So that is precisely what I'm going to do.



Today's Food Choices:
hazelnut coffee w/ soy milk & sugar in the raw
banana nut muffin
(9 am Cafe 1132)
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, melon
(12 pm - work)
veggie burger
green salad
brown rice & peanut butter rice crispy treat
(2:30 pm - Umeke)
2x Hershey's 100 calorie packs
(5:30 pm - work)

MEDITATION #23 (REDUX)

I didn't go to yoga class today. I was planning to make it to the 9 am but didn't get up early enough. I really wanted to go swimming, but it ended up raining off and on intermittently. Kind of a lame and lazy day. I spent a lot of time studying in between playing around on the computer. I did get laundry done and I gave Buddha a bath. So at least I was relatively productive.

I appreciate your comments about my "angry yogini" day yesterday. I am still a bit surprised at how strongly I felt over something that is so minor in the grand scheme of life. Today I began thinking about something that I've heard over and over in the past from several different sources: Whatever you project is what you get back. The world is a mirror, the people that get under you skin the most are the ones who reflect aspects of yourself that you don't like or don't want to face.

HMMM. It is certainly true that I am terribly afraid of being perceived as inconsiderate and/or rude. Maybe this lady was a reminder to me of what not to do in yoga class. Maybe I need to steer clear of that little part of me who relies too heavily on what I see reflected back in the mirror. But more than that I think that this was a good opportunity for me to release judgment and to stop thinking that I should be in charge of the universe. Because there lies an absolute perfection in what is. Not in what I think should be. Or in this case how I think someone else should act.

I've also been further contemplating the concept of satya. Gates says that, "As the layers of falsehood fall away, an intimacy develops with our own truth." Right now I feel like I am still disconnected from my truth. I'm very attached to my story and to my plan and to my identity as I see it. But what do any of these have to do with my truth? Yoga has helped me to feel more grounded in my body. But my mind still eludes me. It flutters about like a hapless butterfly, tossed to and fro on temperamental breezes.

My birthday is on the last day of Gemini, so according to astrology I have a lot of "air" qualities to me. That is one of the reasons that this yoga is so good for me. I need grounding. I need to work through stability and process. There is a comfort in coming to the same class and doing the same postures everyday. Now if I could just quiet my restless mind. Laying off some of the caffeine certainly wouldn't hurt.

I think that some of the mental chatter is a diversionary tactic so that I don't take a hard look at myself. There are a lot of aspects of my life that I am not happy with. I am working to change them day by day, but sometimes it seems like a really tough road. So my ego gets caught up in drama with external forces beyond my control. But I also think this means that the ego is running scared. It sees that I am serious about making lasting changes this time. And that I am following through rather than endless planning with no action. I believe that's why things like happened yesterday come up. But I am not going to be derailed. The next time I am in that room I will be even more focused. I will try my darndest to keep a tighter grip on my thoughts. And over time, with practice, it will get easier and easier. Until one day this is all second nature.


Today's Weight: 218.5


Today's Food Choices:
coffee w/ soy milk & vanila syrup
Kona chocolate chip pancakes
(10:30 am Mulvadi Cafe)
bag of Fritos
(2 pm - home)
vegetable briyani
vegetable curry
(7 pm - leftovers @ home)
microwave popcorn
2 small brownies
(9 pm - home)

Bikram Kaimuki - class #56
4:30 pm w/ Jeremy

I really didn't feel like going to yoga today. I took a nap after having a late brunch and didn't want to motivate. Boy am I glad that I did. First of all, I didn't break my no-skipping-more-than-one-day-in-a-row rule. Second, I felt great after. Third, it was quite a learning experience for me. During class I was in a complete funk, which I'll explain below. Class wasn't too hard physically but mentally it was difficult for me.

Let me just begin by saying that most of the regulars at my studio are truly wonderful. But there are several who kind of have a "yogi-er than thou" attitude. I get that they've been practicing for many years and they've seen people - both students and teachers - come and go, blah, blah, blah. That doesn't mean that they are any more important or entitled to be there.

One of this second type of regulars came in too late to take her usual place up front today. So she decides to set up next to me in the second row. I moved over a bit to give her room. But then she proceeded to inch over closer and closer to me after each posture so that she could see herself better in the mirror. No concern that she might be blocking the view of the person behind her. No concern that she could be invading my space. I scooted my mat over a couple of additional times because I felt like she was right on top of me. GRRRRR. Very annoyed.

All class long I was worrying about what was going to happen in full locust when we had to spread our arms to the side like a 747 taking off. Then getting into the posture the girl on my other side gave me a little smile and staggered herself forward. Problem solved. I staggered back and the annoying lady staggered forward. I had spent the entire 70+ minutes up until that point worrying about something that turned out to be a non-issue.

How is it that I could let my peace and good humor be disrupted so easily? I was seriously shooting daggers at this woman the entire class, wallowing in self-righteousness and indignation. Through it all I'm pretty sure that she was completely oblivious. It was only myself that got all worked up into a tussle. Towards the end of the class after the situation w/ full locust had been resolved, I started actively trying my very best to embrace compassion and even love. The only thing that worked to turn my thoughts around was for me to imagine my dog and how completely loving I feel toward her. (I posted the picture above to show you what I mean.) How could I continue to be angry when I had that precious face in my mind? Buddha- bazoodle to the rescue.

Once we hit the floor for final savasana, the teacher had barely stopped talking when this lady popped up and was stomping across the room to the back to get her stuff. But then she was gone. And just like that her type A, pushy, overbearing energy was gone too. At this point I was able to crack a smile and almost ready to laugh a little.

WOW. I am sure that I do things that irritate others while in class. But from now on I will try to be especially mindful not to disturb anyone's peace. And now that I've vented a little I will try to let all this go so that I can keep my own peace as well the next time something like this happens to me in class.


Today's Food Choices:
coffee w/ milk & sugar
macadamia nut pancakes
(12 pm - Big City Diner)
vegetable briyani
vegetable curry
vegetble samosa
(7 pm - leftovers @ home)
2 pieces veggie pizza
(9 pm - home)

MEDITATION #23

Well I missed another stinkin' class. I got caught up at work until 6 pm and didn't have enough time to make it for the 6:30 class. And since there is no late class on Fridays I was SOL. Damn. This is the first week that I've missed 3 classes since I started this yoga journey. I don't like missing that many. Maybe I will do a double tomorrow to make it up because I *really* don't want to fall below 5 classes a week unless I'm either sick or on vacation. Six is the goal, five is passable now and then, but four just isn't enough while I'm in weight loss mode.

I think it is Susan Powter that says that you need to do an aerobic activity a minimum of 3x per week just to maintain. 4-5x per week will increase your metabolism. But 6x a week provides triple the fat burning benefits. Hence six is the magic number. I really enjoyed her book, "The Politics of Stupid" - btw. She has a lot of excellent insights about what it takes to replace over-fat and unfit with slim, healthy, and vibrant. I highly reccomend checking her out. I find her to be very motivational and real life.

On the bright side, I weighed myself this morning and I am actually down a half pound from a couple days ago. How the heck did that happen!?!! I feel like I've been on a little bit of a bender when it comes to eating lately. I've indulged in dairy a couple of times, I've been eating too much sugar and caffeine, I've been eating too late in the day, and I've been eating too large a quantity of food in one sitting. How, then, did I not gain? Is it that my body actually needs more calories due to my increase in activity? Or is my metabolism revved up so that I burn more calories or at least burn my food more efficiently? I do have to say that I'm eating far less than I did before starting on this path. The amount of food I got at Cafe Taj Mahal last night used to be 2 meals for me. Now I am able to stretch it to 4 and still feel like I'm eating a large quantity. Anyway, I am thrilled that I didn't go up. Hopefully I will be down again tomorrow.

Today's meditation introduces the second yama of satya or truth. I actually have a friend named, Satya, and I never realized what the word meant. Quite lovely, actually. Gates says that at first we will begin to practice satya from the outside in. He tells us that, "Little by little we notice and then drop our habits of embellishment, obfuscation, minimization, self-aggrandizement, omission, rationalization, and exaggeration." Oh really - is that all? This is a giant bugaboo for me. I hate to admit that I'm prone to every single one of these habits at times. But I guess that's the point. We all are. I need to replace my initial resistance with a willingness to be aware of these behaviors. And next a willingness to let each one go. Gates also says that eventually, once we get the hang of practicing the truth, then we will actually begin to live satya from the inside out. Oh, to see that day.


Today's Weight: 215.5


Today's Food Choices:
cafe mocha w/ soy milk
chocolate filled glazd doughnut
fruit salad - pineapple, melon, & grapes
(9 am - The Patisserie)
2 small bags of popcorn
12 pm - at the consumer fair I was working)
tostada salad w/ crispy fried tostada shell
beans, lettuce, rice, grilled peppers & onions, salsa
(2 pm - Just Tacoes)
vegetable briyani
vegetable curry
naan bread
(8 pm - leftovers @ home)

MEDITATION #22 (REDUX)

Bikram Kaimuki - class #55
6:30 pm w/ Tom

I had a decent class w/ Tom tonight. I ate way too much today and really didn't want to go to class because of it. I started to come up with all kinds of excuses not to go. But my dedication triumphed in the end.

I was in a big hurry this morning so I slid into McDonald's instead of one of my usual am spots. Damn. Way too much dairy, again, in the form of a large vanilla iced coffee. My problem is that once I slip, I think it's OK to slip again. The first slip, no matter how small or seemingly unimportant, sets a dangerous precedent.

The rest of the day didn't go too badly. I was really craving nachoes for lunch but I got pho instead. I'd like to credit sheer will power, but this was at least in part because the line was out the friggin door at the Mexican place. But then I went and had another big meal after yoga. Too many calories too late in the evening. I will be sure to weigh in tomorrow in the morning to see how badly I've been affected.

Starting tomorrow I have decided that I need to get serious again. No more missing classes when I haven't scheduled myself to miss them. I am also going to stick to a much simpler menu that has me eating out only for lunch. And when I do eat out I will choose from just a handful of options. I am determined to get myself firmly, solidly back on track.

On another note, I've decided to postpone my trip to California. I was planning to go in March when I have spring break but that's a couple of weeks before a 150 participant student event that I'm in charge of. The way the planning has been going so far I know that I'm going to need to be here for last minute stuff that's bound to come up.

So I will be going to the Bay Area at the end of May instead. School will be finished and there isn't a lot happening at work during that time frame. That gives me 10 solid weeks to make some serious headway towards my weight loss and fitness goals before I go to see my family. I want to be trimmer and much more fit even than I am now. I can do this. I've just got to buckle down.

Another aspect of meditation #22 is that we are able to hear only what we are ready to take in. I've been thinking a lot about that today. Gates uses a great quote from David Allen to illustrate this point, "Information is always available, but we are not always available to the information." I guess that could be the converse of the old adage, "When the student is ready the master will appear." Pretty powerful stuff. And the manner in which I came to this yoga is a perfect illustration of the truth in it.

I actually took a hatha yoga class way back when I was just a couple years out of high school. I hated it and never went back. I came from a background of competitive swimming and classical ballet training and that particular experience of yoga was no where near as intense or results oriented or creative, etc... as I was used to in a workout. So I made up my mind that I didn't like yoga. Period. I took up distance running instead.

Fast forward 16 or 17 years. I read an article about Lisa Rinna and how she was a huge advocate of yoga. She was on Dancing with the Stars, and at 42 years old had a hotter body and more charisma than any of the 20 something professional dancer types. I wanted to know how she got that incredible physique. Amazingly, to me, she credited yoga of all things. The workout that I had decided wasn't hard enough for me. That was when I got my first inkling that maybe there was something more to the yoga stuff than my one experience of it. But I was still caught up with the notion that running was the most efficient form of exercise, even though I was no longer consistent with it and the pounding was starting to take its toll on my body as I gained weight.

A few years after that I stumbled upon the Bikram Studio in Kailua while looking for the bathroom upstairs from the salad place I was eating at. The studio was closed at the time but something made me grab a flier even though it was clear across town from where I live. That night I began to explore the BYCOI official website and something clicked in my head. A few days later I went in to try my first class at the Kaimuki studio.

I loved it from the first day and purchased a monthly unlimited pass. I went 4-5 days a week for a couple of months but then fell off the wagon due to long work hours. For the next couple of years I would go to class very sporadically. I'd buy a monthly one month and then take several months off. But I knew that there was really something to this yoga. The endorphin high was similar to running a marathon but the physicality of it, while difficult, was accessible.

I bought Bikram's latest book and read it cover to cover in one sitting. I even had it autographed when he was here in Honolulu promoting it. I purchased the audio cd version of the beginner class and went through weeks of practicing 3-4 mornings before work followed by weeks of not getting in a single workout. I started to read yoga blogs and especially enjoyed Jenn's account of Teacher Training. But still I didn't fully commit a regular practice.

I don't know what made me decide that 2009 was the year, but I am so thankful for whatever it was. I truly cannot imagine going back. This yoga has been a lifesaver for me. I didn't even realize how depressed and out of touch with my body I had become. Until - after just a few consecutive classes - it was like a cloud lifted and suddenly I felt the contrast of being grounded and at peace. I have embraced this as my new way of life. Yoga makes everything else work better.

It's nice to reminisce about the synchronicity of how it all came together. The information was available to me for a very long time but it is just recently that I am fully available to the information.


Today's Food Choices:
large vanilla iced coffee
2 hash brown patties
(9 am - McDonald's)
fruit salad - pineapple, melon, grapes
(10:30 am - work)
vegetarian pho soup
(1:30 pm - Baile)
Itoen green tea
2x Hershey's 100 calorie pack
(4:30 pm - work)
vegetable curry
vegetable briyani
naan bread
veggie samosa
(9 pm - Cafe Taj Mahal)

Bikram Kaimuki - class #54
8:15 pm w/ Jeremy

Another good class. I was dead tired all day long for some reason (hence the extra caffeine & sugar). Somehow I made it through A&P lecture and then a nice steamy Jeremy class. He even made me laugh a couple of times during postures which doesn't happen a whole lot. Good temperature, good pace, good vibe. Just an all around enjoyable class. And I held standing bow pulling for just a hair short of the full time on each leg during the second set - so I was kinda stoked on that. ;))

Thank you for your wonderful comments. It is so good to know that there are other like-minded people on a similar path. I love reading the blogs and being part of this lovely community. Each of you *honestly* are an inspiration to me.

I'm pretty much exhausted so I'm won't delve any deeper into yesterday's meditation until tomorrow. Goodnight, Aloha, & Namaste.


Today's Food Choices:
macadamia nut coffee w/ soy milk & raw sugar
cherry croissant
(9 am - 1132 Cafe)
portabello mushroom sandwich w/ pesto & roasted peppers
green salad w/ vinaigrette dressing
(1:30 pm - Umeke Market)
baked Chex Mix
Aloha Maid iced tea w/ lemon
(4 pm - work)
piece of coconut cake - OMG to die for!
hot chocolate w/ soy milk
(7 pm - Coffee Talk)

MEDITATION #22

I decided to take another night off. I went to the grocery store after work and not straight to yoga class like I know I should. Because once I get home there's always a chance that I'll lose motivation. When I pack my stuff and take it with me in the morning then I have no excuse not to go to the studio. But lately I'm telling myself things like, "I'll go to 8:15 class because so and so is teaching" or "I don't like 6:30 class because it's too crowded." Bottom line - I'm much more likely to make it to class if I don't stop off at home first.

It also appears that my little slip up w/ the cheesecake the other night is still haunting me. I am totally breaking out. My back, my scalp, my forehead. It's ridiculous. I usually have pretty clear skin, but right now I am seriously detoxing from something. And the only thing that I've done that is significantly different is the dairy in that damn cheesecake. Just another indicator (as if I really needed yet another) that I should steer clear. It obviously does not agree with my body.

Today's meditation is summed in the concept that ignorance creates all other obstacles. The quote from Gates that struck me the most was, "I felt I could spend a hundred lifetimes just refining my own ability to have a good day." God, he could be talking about me. I see the progress that I have made but realize that there is an infinite amount more to work on. I am not perfect, non of us are. I comfort myself in the fact that at least I am aware of how far I still have to go. The learning and growing is never really over. This meditation has so many levels. I think that, once again, I am going to sit with it for another day to let the different facets percolate in my brain.


Today's Weight: 216.0


Today's Food Choices:
vanilla hazelnut coffee w/ soy milk
blueberry croissant
(9 am - 1132 Cafe)
burrito w/ black beans, guacamole, rice, lettuce, salsa
grilled and covered in enchilada sauce
Itoen green tea
(1:30 pm - Taqueria Ramirez)
Pasta Roni olive oil & vermicelli
w/ frozen veggies mixed in
(8 pm - home)

MEDITATION #21

Bikram Kaimuki - class #53
8:15 pm w/ Michele

Tonight's class was pretty mellow. Nothing major to report. It wasn't too hot and Michele didn't hold any of the poses too, too long. Not a cake walk, but another semi auto-pilot class. There were several new students so she demonstrated proper form for quite a few of the postures - which is always a good reminder for me. My knee was still feeling a little weird but I powered through anyway. Fearlessly, but not recklessly as Kevo would say.

I also had a couple of the regulars comment to me how good I'm doing and that I'm looking much slimmer - which was a nice little ego boost. I realize that the changes are happening but it's especially validating when it gets to the point where other people start to notice. Gives me an extra ounce of motivation to keep up with what I'm doing.

Today's meditation in a nutshell is about learning to go where you have to go. Gates tells us that the obstacles in our path *are* the path. He also says, "Every time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear we make a choice for life. And every time we choose life, we find that fear loses its grip on us." I just love that. Incremental choices, incremental changes. Actions that add up piece by piece, moment by moment. And before long nothing in my life will ever be the same as it was before I started on this journey.


Today's Weight: 216.0


Today's Food Choices:
cafe mocha w/ soy milk
glazed doughnut w/ chocolate frosting
(10 am - The Patisserie)
vegetarian spring rolls
Vietnamese noodles w/ lettuce & bean sprouts
(2 pm - Star Vietnam Pho)
strawberry, banana, apple juice smoothie
(7 pm - Coffee Talk)

MEDITATION #20

No class for me today. My back was hurting a little and I decided to take the day off. I also went to Suddenly Slimmer to get a body wrap this morning. Not a lot of fun, but I feel like they can be effective when combined with a weight loss plan. Back when I was working for LA Weight Loss I'd recommend them for women who complained about the under arm waddle that often comes from losing weight. Now, mind you, I would always tell them that working out and losing the weight slowly are by far the best prevention for loose and sagging skin. But body wraps can certainly help. I am going to try to get 1 or 2 per month because they work to tighten everything up a little. I'm happy to report that I lost several inches today - most notably 2" on my hips.

In today's meditation Gates talks about how the yamas and niyamas may seem difficult to master at first glance but that they are really in keeping with our nature. He says that to live with these restraints and observances is actually a relief. He gives an example of how he began talking to strangers at the grocery store because he was thinking about the concept that we are not really separate from other people. He mentions that his fear of strangers has been an aspect of suffering in his life - which really rang true for me.

I find that in periods where I am confident about myself I tend to reach out to strangers a whole lot more. But I have not felt entirely good about the way I look for a long time now. I don't want to sound vain, but my self esteem is very closely tied to my appearance. Or at least to how I feel about how I look. I mean, I *know* that I'm a beautiful and interesting person on one level. But I don't feel like I'm presenting the true image of who I am when my body is fat and out of shape. By doing this yoga I am shedding the mask to reveal the real me. And as the layers come off my confidence increases and my personality becomes more expansive.

I slipped tonight and had a small piece of cheesecake. It has been sitting in our fridge since last Sunday when we had people over to watch the Oscar's and I didn't touch it for a whole week. But tonight I broke down and had a little piece. Which really wasn't that tasty - not nearly as good as I thought it would be. I need to remember this the next time I am really tempted. The food I think I want will rarely live up to my expectations. So I really need to weigh whether it will be worth deviating from my chosen eating patterns to indulge in food that isn't good for me.

Today's Weight: 214.5


Today's Food Choices:
Itoen green tea
(10 am - home)
peanut butter & jelly sandwich
15 baby carrots
(1 pm - home)
spaghetti w/ marinara sauce & frozen veggies
(5 pm - home)
piece of cheesecake
(8 pm home)