MEDITATION #23 (REDUX)

I didn't go to yoga class today. I was planning to make it to the 9 am but didn't get up early enough. I really wanted to go swimming, but it ended up raining off and on intermittently. Kind of a lame and lazy day. I spent a lot of time studying in between playing around on the computer. I did get laundry done and I gave Buddha a bath. So at least I was relatively productive.

I appreciate your comments about my "angry yogini" day yesterday. I am still a bit surprised at how strongly I felt over something that is so minor in the grand scheme of life. Today I began thinking about something that I've heard over and over in the past from several different sources: Whatever you project is what you get back. The world is a mirror, the people that get under you skin the most are the ones who reflect aspects of yourself that you don't like or don't want to face.

HMMM. It is certainly true that I am terribly afraid of being perceived as inconsiderate and/or rude. Maybe this lady was a reminder to me of what not to do in yoga class. Maybe I need to steer clear of that little part of me who relies too heavily on what I see reflected back in the mirror. But more than that I think that this was a good opportunity for me to release judgment and to stop thinking that I should be in charge of the universe. Because there lies an absolute perfection in what is. Not in what I think should be. Or in this case how I think someone else should act.

I've also been further contemplating the concept of satya. Gates says that, "As the layers of falsehood fall away, an intimacy develops with our own truth." Right now I feel like I am still disconnected from my truth. I'm very attached to my story and to my plan and to my identity as I see it. But what do any of these have to do with my truth? Yoga has helped me to feel more grounded in my body. But my mind still eludes me. It flutters about like a hapless butterfly, tossed to and fro on temperamental breezes.

My birthday is on the last day of Gemini, so according to astrology I have a lot of "air" qualities to me. That is one of the reasons that this yoga is so good for me. I need grounding. I need to work through stability and process. There is a comfort in coming to the same class and doing the same postures everyday. Now if I could just quiet my restless mind. Laying off some of the caffeine certainly wouldn't hurt.

I think that some of the mental chatter is a diversionary tactic so that I don't take a hard look at myself. There are a lot of aspects of my life that I am not happy with. I am working to change them day by day, but sometimes it seems like a really tough road. So my ego gets caught up in drama with external forces beyond my control. But I also think this means that the ego is running scared. It sees that I am serious about making lasting changes this time. And that I am following through rather than endless planning with no action. I believe that's why things like happened yesterday come up. But I am not going to be derailed. The next time I am in that room I will be even more focused. I will try my darndest to keep a tighter grip on my thoughts. And over time, with practice, it will get easier and easier. Until one day this is all second nature.


Today's Weight: 218.5


Today's Food Choices:
coffee w/ soy milk & vanila syrup
Kona chocolate chip pancakes
(10:30 am Mulvadi Cafe)
bag of Fritos
(2 pm - home)
vegetable briyani
vegetable curry
(7 pm - leftovers @ home)
microwave popcorn
2 small brownies
(9 pm - home)