MEDITATION #19

Bikram Kaimuki - class #52
4:30 w/ Kevo

I was really tired and low energy all day, but I drug my butt to the studio and had another great class w/ Kevo. I'm still a little surprised at how well I am able to do in his class these days. Because, in the beginning I was seriously intimidated by him. What a difference a couple of months can make. I held standing bow-pulling in the second set for the longest ever for me. I also held camel again for the full extended version that he teaches. Triangle I kept falling forward cause I was having a hard time keeping my balance. But overall a very solid practice.

Today's meditation talks a little more about ahimsa as the practice of not only listening to the voice of lightness but also "cultivating that voice, trusting that voice, acting upon that voice." Gates discusses the idea that the darkness sometimes seems to have a greater pull. I beleive that this is true especially in our society. It's almost cool to be negative and down on everything, but then considered naive to be always expecting the best. I do think that this is changing, however. Maybe we're finally arriving at a critical mass of spiritual warriors bringing love and light to this crazy, mixed up world we live in.

For some reason I am reminded of an excerpt from the Dead Sea Scrolls that a spiritual advisor suggested I use as a daily affirmation of the powerful truth about every one of us human beings:

I am that I am
I am the open door which no man can shut
I am the light that lightens every man that cometh into the world
I am the way
I am the truth
I am the light
I am the resurrection
I am the ascension into the light
I am the ascension into the light
I am the fulfilling of all my needs and desires of the hour
I am abundant light poured out upon all life
I am perfect sight, hearing, and health
I am the manifest perfection of being
I am the illimitable light of god made manifest everywhere at all times
I am that I am

Today's Weight: 213.5

TOTAL OF 22.5 POUNDS LOST


Today's Food Choices:
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, almond milk smoothie
(10 am - home)
vegetarian stuffing w/ celery, cranberries, & walnuts
(1 pm - home)
spaghetti w/ marinara sauce & frozen veggies
(8 pm - home)

MEDITATION #18 (redux)

Bikram Kaimuki - class #51
6:30 pm w/ Kevo

I had a solid class tonight with Kevo. I heard a rumor he's leaving which will make me sad, cause I probably have my strongest classes with him lately. Strongest in that I break new ground, find a new edge, push myself harder than I really want to go. Tonight I held camel, or actually I should say the long Kevo version of camel, for the whole time both sets. I felt dizzy when I came out and my heart was seriously pounding after the second set. But such a good feeling to have the mental discipline to hang in there *literally* for the whole time.

I've also been thinking a lot today about the idea of non-violence in thought, word, and action. The thoughts are where I trip up the most. I don't know why I think it's OK to rip somebody a new one mentally when I would never dream of doing it out loud. Who am I kidding? On a certain level they can feel my disgust, anger, frustration, etc... I need to try to be more compassionate. I need to be quicker to give the benefit of the doubt than to jump to conclusions. I need to send love to each of the difficult people in my life. I need to see them as their truest highest self. And I also need to be more compassionate with myself. We are all connected. We are all on the same path. We all mean well. We all are just trying our best to get through this dream called life. I am grateful to that this meditation brought all these things I already know back into the forefront of my mind.


Today's Weight: 214.0


Today's Food Choices:
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, almond milk smoothie
(8 am - home)
vegetarian pho soup
(12 pm - Baile)
Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies
(3 pm - work)
8 oz Kombucha
(5 pm - work)
lavosch crackers
10 baby carrots
(9 pm - home)

MEDITATION #18

Bikram Kaimuki - class #50
6:30 pm w/ Tom

WOW. I made it to 50 already. And another really good class w/ Tom this evening. I haven't had Tom as a teacher for a while and I was pretty much on cruise control tonight. I think that of all the teachers at my studio, I trust Tom the most. He doesn't keep us in the poses super long so I try to go to the full expression sooner and end up holding a lot of them for the whole time. That is a big confidence booster for me. Makes me feel like an old pro at this yoga stuff. Also my knee wasn't bugging me nearly as much as last night, which was a big relief. Hopefully whatever problem I was having is working itself out.

Today's meditation introduces the concept of ahimsa or non-harming. Gates says that this yama asks us to embrace non-violence at the level of speech, thought, and action. I strive to do this, but I am so not there yet. I like to think that I've got non-violence in action - especially respecting the lives of animals and not contributing to the culture of pain - pretty much down these days. That's one of the big motivators for me to adhere to my vegetarian and now mostly vegan diet. But non-violence in my speech and thoughts is more nuanced. Hmmm. This is something that I want to contemplate a little more deeply. I think that I will repeat this meditation tomorrow and see what other thoughts come up.


Today's Weight: 214.0

TOTAL OF 22 POUNDS LOST

Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
old fashioned glazed doughnut
(10 am - The Patisserie)
big green salad w/ toasted sesame dressing
honey roasted peanuts & raisins
vegetarian samosa
Itoen green tea
(2 pm - Govindaji's)
8 oz Kombucha
(5 pm - work)

MEDITATION #17

Bikram Kaimuki - class #49
8:15 pm w/ Jeremy

Jeremy is awesome. I had a decent class w/ him tonight even though my left knee was really bugging me. I tried hard but didn't feel as strong as I have been lately. I've had an issue w/ that knee happening over the last few days and it's been slowly creeping up on me. Tonight in class it was the most bothersome it's been. I couldn't sit Japanese style without it hurting. And in fixed firm my hips were nowhere near the floor and I couldn't even lean back onto my hands because it felt like too much pressure. Not sure exactly what it is. Probably an old injury working itself out. I used to run a lot of miles and that takes a toll. Especially on the joints. I'm going to continue to back off those postures that don't feel right and see what happens.

I've also been a little melancholy here and there the last day or so. I've been thinking a lot about my Australian Cattle Dog, Marley. She was my faithful companion for 14 and a half years. So smart, so full of energy, really an incredible dog. I had to put her down this past August and right now I am missing her a lot for some reason. Don't get me wrong. I love my goofy poi dog, Buddha, beyond words. And I truly hope that she will be with me for 14+ years as well. But she isn't Marley. That one was so completely dedicated to me and only me. I got her as a little puppy just a few months after my dad died and she saw me through so very much. My life will always have an emptiness without her - which, of course, is also true about my dad. It's kind of like you get used to the pain of the loss but it never really goes away. Moments like this it is comforting somehow because it reminds me of the beautiful beings that have graced my life and made me feel so deeply.

Today's meditation talks about the first four limbs of yoga as love in action. The thing Gates said that really struck a chord with me is that each loving action we take infuses us with the energy to love more in the future. I guess I can relate this concept to what I've been feeling lately. Missing my dog. Missing my dad, too, because he's probably the most important person I've lost in my life. I know that I need to focus on the love. It might sound silly but my dad and my dog both loved me completely and without condition. Different kinds of love. But with both I knew that there was nothing that I could ever do to make them stop loving me. I think that my dad was the first person who made me feel that. And maybe Marley came into my life after he was gone in order to help me remember. Regardless, my capacity for love was increased by both of them. And I am forever grateful that I had each of them with me for the time that I did.

Sorry to go off on such somber tangent. Now I'm going to get all sappy & nostalgic and revert to The Samples, who express what I'm feeling so well in these lyrics:

Maybe nothing lasts forever,
Not the mountains or the sea.
But these times we've had together
They will always be with me.

Also found it on youtube if anybody wants to listen to the whole song:




Today's Weight: 215.0

Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
honey roasted peanuts
(10 am - The Patisserie)
veggie & avocado sandwich on a croissant
Itoen green tea
(2 pm - Baile)
stone ground white corn chips
homemade hummus
baby carrots
(6 pm - home)

MEDITATION #16

Bikram Kaimuki - class #48
8:15 pm w/ Jeremy

I *heart* Jeremy. He has a very calming energy and he seems like such a genuinely nice guy. It's weird, though... Now that I'm starting to master Kevo's class I feel like I kind of cruise through when I have one of the other instructors. Again, that's not to say that they take it easy on us or that I don't work hard. The classes themselves are just less intense. Today I held camel for the entire time during both sets for a second day in a row. I also held triangle for the entire time. The compression postures are really the hardest for me, largely because of the extra girth I have in strategic places on my body. However, I do find that I am able to get deeper into many of them. Ah, progress. It's all happening. Slowly but surely.

Today's meditation talks about the fact that many people come to yoga without a mature spiritual practice and so are initially missing out on a crucial part of it. In this regard I feel very fortunate. The main thing that drew me to yoga was the spiritual aspect. I love the fact that I can sweat and work my ass off for 90 minutes, achieving a similar endorphin high to running for that same time period. But even more than that I crave the integration of body-mind-spirit that yoga develops in me. I have never found this to the same degree in any other physical activity. Of course I'm constantly working to deepen my spiritual practice. Still, I feel ahead of the game in that I really *get* this amazing connection. Yoga serves to bring the rest of my spiritual beliefs - that were kind of floating out in space on their own - together in such a way that it all makes sense. And the sum is far greater than the individual parts.

I've commented before that my weight loss has been slower than I'd like it to be - but in a way that's not really true. I'm well aware that if the pounds come off slowly that it is far more likely that the changes will be permanent. I also realize that I'm doing this the right way. I am building muscle. I am sending fresh oxygenated blood throughout my entire system on a regular basis. I am making incremental changes to my diet that will all add up over the long run. For all of these reasons, I'm very happy with my progress. I *know* without any doubt whatsoever that I will get down to an ideal weight for me. It might take a year. But I am really and truly OK with that.

One of my sisters said something to me a while back that has stayed with me. She told me that when I was ready to lose the weight then it would just go. I believe that she's right. I have such an incredible wealth of knowledge about diet, exercise, health, fitness, etc. I've read volumes on these subjects over my lifetime. I even worked as a sales manager for a nationally advertised weight loss program. I know how to lose the weight, it's just a matter of putting what I know into practice. But beyond the physical logistics, there had to be an underlying reason that I let myself get so heavy in the first place. The weight had to be serving some purpose for me. So I have been affirming that I am willing to let go of whatever that might have been. I don't need to analyze it or root it out. I just need to be willing to release it. And eventually it *will* simply go.

Another sister and I (there are 5 of us - btw) decided to set goals for ourselves for the next 4 weeks so that we can hold each other accountable. So between now and March 23rd, when I head out to visit my family in the Bay Area, these are my health and fitness goals:

Replace morning muffin with fruit salad
Eliminate all obvious animal products
(w/ butter as an occasional exception)
Drink one green tea per day
Eat one green salad per day
Drink at least a gallon of plain water a day
Walk Buddha every day (30-60 minutes)
Bikram Yoga every day

Today's Weight: 217.0

Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
(9 am - The Patisserie)
green salad w/ strawberry, mango, cranberry & walnuts
tomato basil soup
Itoen green tea
(12:30 - 1132 Cafe)
2x Hershey 100 calorie chocolate pretzel packs
honey roasted peanuts
(3:30 pm - work)
small portion pesto pasta
(6:30 pm - home)

MEDITATION #15

Bikram Kaimuki - class #47
8:15 pm w/ Kevo

Another really great class for me. My goal was to hold camel for the entire time both sets. Low and behold - what do you know? I ACTUALLY DID IT!! I've got to admit that I was a tad slow setting up, but I freekin' held the pose for the entire time. And Kevo holds camel extra long, especially the second set. I am so ridiculously proud of myself right now.

It all began because today I read through an old post where I mentioned that I held camel until I thought I was going to pass out. Then I started thinking about the worst that could happen if I stayed upside down like that even after I thought that I couldn't. Would I actually pass out? Would I collapse backwards? Would I fling forward? I realized that the answer to all of those scenarios was probably "no" - so I decided to try it. I made up my mind to stay in that one particular posture for the entire time both sets just to see what would happen.

Holy cow talk about a breakthrough. I felt dizzy and nauseous and a whole host of different emotions. I even saw black spots for about 30 seconds or so after coming out of it. WOW. I set my intention, I tapped into my power, and I succeeded. Now I am going to have to try this with other postures I struggle with. ;))

Today's meditation talks about drishti or the concept of gaze point in yoga and compares it to the Native American practice of teaching their children active observation. Gates says, "Our yoga practice allows us to participate in this tradition. Our willingness to see what we are looking at allows us to perpetuate it." I really like this concept. Wayne Dyer calls it becoming the observer. This is something that can have tremendous benefit in all aspects of life. Look without judgment at what's happening and *really* see what you're looking at. So obvious yet so profound.



Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
blueberry muffin
(9 am - The Patisserie)
bbq tofu foccacia sandwich
green salad
(2 pm - Umeke)

MEDITATION #14

Again no class for me today. I didn't make it during the day like I should have. And then we had an Oscar-watching party at our house in the evening and I felt like I'd be rude if I left. No worries, tomorrow is another day. I had a couple of glasses of champagne and I probably ate a little bit too much. But I didn't have any meat or dairy, so I am proud of myself for that. I do feel like I've been missing class too much lately. For the next few weeks - probably until I head to California to visit in March - I am going to try to go every day to get my discipline and focus back where they need to be.

In today's meditation Gates talks about the importance of rest. He says that as we develop our yoga practice we can actually learn to rest in the pose. This concept is not new to me. When I swam competitively I learned to push really hard into the flip turn at each wall and then back off a little, stretch out and breathe while swimming back to the other wall. When I ran marathons I would alternate periods of time pushing myself with periods of time easing up or at least changing my stride while still running. I think that active rest is a crucial part of most endurance athletic activities. Yoga is no different. I need to learn to pace myself while still working hard. And more importantly, try to follow Jeremy's sage advice in/after every class: "Do your best and be happy with that."


Today's Weight: 215.5


Today's Food Choices:
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, orange juice smoothie
(10 am - home)
leftover chocolate chip pancake w/ regular syrup
(12 pm - from Mulvadi Cafe)
cheerios w/ almond milk
1 small brownie
(2 pm - home)
4 slices veggie pizza w/ garlic sauce but no cheese
(6 pm - from Papa John's)
homemade hummus w/ lavosch crackers
homemade mango cobbler
2 glasses of champagne
(8 pm - home)

MEDITATION #13

Bikram Kaimuki - class #46
4:30 w/ Kevo

Yes the day has come that I never thought would - I can say without a doubt that Kevo is now one of my favorite teachers. I had another strong class with him tonight. I even held triangle for the full time, both sides and both sets. I did come out of camel early, but that's at least partly because my back was hurting. And I did stay in until I felt like I was gonna pass out if I remained upside down another second. Overall I put forth a very good effort in all the postures tonight. I have to say that I like taking class from a lot of different teachers. It's good to experience a variety of people's individual styles. The dialogue is pretty close to the same every class. But the teachers add their own interpretation and personality to it. I gain unique insights from each and every teacher whose class I attend.

On another note, even though my weight loss has been less than spectacular I am definitely feeling thinner. I'm fitting into jeans that I haven't been able to wear since the beginning of last summer. A little bit more background... I stopped drinking diet soda in June of 2008. Prior to that I probably drank at least one diet beverage a day since I was about 11 or 12. The only periods where I didn't do this were during prolonged fasts here and there. So this was also a big deal for me. I got terrible migraine headaches for about 6 weeks. Now I get a headache if I have anything with aspartame or saccharin in it.

Anyway, when I initially stopped the diet drinks I switched to regular soda or tea with sugar and this caused me to gain about 30 lbs. I have since switched to plain tea or water. But to make a long story short... I am now fitting into jeans that I could wear before I gave up diet drinks and gained that additional weight. So even though I have only lost 20 lbs or so, I am fitting into pants that I wore when I was 10 lbs lighter than I am now.

I believe that there is really something to be said about the shrinking power of Bikram Yoga. Jenn from Seattle mentions this in her blog. With regular Bikram practice, your body actually condenses itself. Which makes sense when you take into consideration that muscle weighs more than fat but is more compact. I believe that I am living proof that this is true. I am shrinking in size faster than the number on the scale is decreasing. And it is all thanks to my regular visits to Bikram's Torture Chamber.

Today's meditation talks about the concept that what we resist persists. Gates says. "We do not have to succumb to the tyranny of our own self-judgment. We can observe our reactions with awareness, and let them go." My knee-jerk response to this was, "Yeah right, easier said than done!" But then I took a step back and became the observer of that reaction. I realized that, no - actually - it's *not* easier said than done. Just let it go without judgment. Simple. Perfect. Easy. And what a huge relief.

Today's Weight: 216.5


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz coffee w/ vanilla syrup & almond milk
kona chocolate chip pancakes w/ coconut syrup
(12 pm - Mulvadi Cafe)
4 slices veggie pizza w/ garlic sauce but no cheese
(8 pm - Papa John's)

MEDITATION #12

Bikram Kaimuki - class #45
6:30 pm w/ Kevo

Another good class. So weird because when I first started I used to dread Kevo's class and now I actually look forward to it. I like that he pushes harder than most of the teachers. I like that he moves through the standing series quickly even while holding many of the poses extra long. I *really* like that he opens the door frequently. I'm sure that a big part of it is that I am getting better at pacing myself during his class. Tonight I think I might have pushed a little too hard in the spine-strengthening series because my lower back is feeling a bit pinched. But I still finished strong. Very nice.

In today's meditation Gates addresses letting go of judgment about our practice. He says, "As long as we stand apart in judgment, we sabotage the opportunity for connection and integration in yoga." This is something that I struggle with. I know rationally that I must release judgment, but I still hang on to it just the same. I am an analyzer. I like to pick things apart in order to see what makes them tick. I like to figure out why things happen. I especially tend to do this in my yoga practice and with my eating habits. The truth is that at the end of the day the "why" really doesn't matter. It only matters what you do in the next moment.


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
lemon poppyseed muffin
(10 am - The Patisserie)
large green salad w/ toasted sesame dressing
1 vegetarian samosa
(1:30 - Govindaji's)
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
8 oz Kombucha
(5:00 pm - work)
stone-ground white corn chips w/ fresh salsa
(9 pm - home)

MEDITATION #11

No class for me tonight. I had to go all the way down to the bank at Kahala to deposit my check after work and then went home to chill a bit. Now I'm just not motivated to get myself together and head back out to the studio. I'm also still on the very tail end of a little cough and sniffly nose - so I figure the rest will probably do me more good than harm.

Today's meditation deals with making your practice a priority. Guess it's a little ironic that I didn't make it to yoga, then. But overall I have been very good about making it an absolute priority in my life. Jeez, a couple of days a week I leave the house at 8 am and don't return until after 10 pm. If that's not dedication towards a higher purpose, I don't know what is.

Gates says, "By choosing to practice yoga, we are saying that our spiritual growth is important to us." Again this really resonates with me. My spiritual growth is definitely a priority. And because I am living this truth in my life right now, I find myself in a period of rapid evolution. I am changing on so many levels. I am assimilating new behaviors, ideas, and knowledge. Though on the surface things might not seem that different, my life is in the process of being completely transformed. It's very exciting and a little scary. But I embrace the changes because I know that I'm up for whatever this next stage brings as I accelerate towards my destiny.


Today's Weight: 215.0

TOTAL OF 21 POUNDS LOST


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
banana nut muffin
(9 am - The Patisserie)
portabella mushroom burger
natural salt & pepper potato chips
green papaya salad
(1 pm - Umeke Market)
8 oz Kombucha
(5:30 pm - work)
French bread w/ Earth Balance spread
(7:45 pm - home)