MEDITATION #19

Bikram Kaimuki - class #52
4:30 w/ Kevo

I was really tired and low energy all day, but I drug my butt to the studio and had another great class w/ Kevo. I'm still a little surprised at how well I am able to do in his class these days. Because, in the beginning I was seriously intimidated by him. What a difference a couple of months can make. I held standing bow-pulling in the second set for the longest ever for me. I also held camel again for the full extended version that he teaches. Triangle I kept falling forward cause I was having a hard time keeping my balance. But overall a very solid practice.

Today's meditation talks a little more about ahimsa as the practice of not only listening to the voice of lightness but also "cultivating that voice, trusting that voice, acting upon that voice." Gates discusses the idea that the darkness sometimes seems to have a greater pull. I beleive that this is true especially in our society. It's almost cool to be negative and down on everything, but then considered naive to be always expecting the best. I do think that this is changing, however. Maybe we're finally arriving at a critical mass of spiritual warriors bringing love and light to this crazy, mixed up world we live in.

For some reason I am reminded of an excerpt from the Dead Sea Scrolls that a spiritual advisor suggested I use as a daily affirmation of the powerful truth about every one of us human beings:

I am that I am
I am the open door which no man can shut
I am the light that lightens every man that cometh into the world
I am the way
I am the truth
I am the light
I am the resurrection
I am the ascension into the light
I am the ascension into the light
I am the fulfilling of all my needs and desires of the hour
I am abundant light poured out upon all life
I am perfect sight, hearing, and health
I am the manifest perfection of being
I am the illimitable light of god made manifest everywhere at all times
I am that I am

Today's Weight: 213.5

TOTAL OF 22.5 POUNDS LOST


Today's Food Choices:
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, almond milk smoothie
(10 am - home)
vegetarian stuffing w/ celery, cranberries, & walnuts
(1 pm - home)
spaghetti w/ marinara sauce & frozen veggies
(8 pm - home)

MEDITATION #18 (redux)

Bikram Kaimuki - class #51
6:30 pm w/ Kevo

I had a solid class tonight with Kevo. I heard a rumor he's leaving which will make me sad, cause I probably have my strongest classes with him lately. Strongest in that I break new ground, find a new edge, push myself harder than I really want to go. Tonight I held camel, or actually I should say the long Kevo version of camel, for the whole time both sets. I felt dizzy when I came out and my heart was seriously pounding after the second set. But such a good feeling to have the mental discipline to hang in there *literally* for the whole time.

I've also been thinking a lot today about the idea of non-violence in thought, word, and action. The thoughts are where I trip up the most. I don't know why I think it's OK to rip somebody a new one mentally when I would never dream of doing it out loud. Who am I kidding? On a certain level they can feel my disgust, anger, frustration, etc... I need to try to be more compassionate. I need to be quicker to give the benefit of the doubt than to jump to conclusions. I need to send love to each of the difficult people in my life. I need to see them as their truest highest self. And I also need to be more compassionate with myself. We are all connected. We are all on the same path. We all mean well. We all are just trying our best to get through this dream called life. I am grateful to that this meditation brought all these things I already know back into the forefront of my mind.


Today's Weight: 214.0


Today's Food Choices:
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, almond milk smoothie
(8 am - home)
vegetarian pho soup
(12 pm - Baile)
Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies
(3 pm - work)
8 oz Kombucha
(5 pm - work)
lavosch crackers
10 baby carrots
(9 pm - home)

MEDITATION #18

Bikram Kaimuki - class #50
6:30 pm w/ Tom

WOW. I made it to 50 already. And another really good class w/ Tom this evening. I haven't had Tom as a teacher for a while and I was pretty much on cruise control tonight. I think that of all the teachers at my studio, I trust Tom the most. He doesn't keep us in the poses super long so I try to go to the full expression sooner and end up holding a lot of them for the whole time. That is a big confidence booster for me. Makes me feel like an old pro at this yoga stuff. Also my knee wasn't bugging me nearly as much as last night, which was a big relief. Hopefully whatever problem I was having is working itself out.

Today's meditation introduces the concept of ahimsa or non-harming. Gates says that this yama asks us to embrace non-violence at the level of speech, thought, and action. I strive to do this, but I am so not there yet. I like to think that I've got non-violence in action - especially respecting the lives of animals and not contributing to the culture of pain - pretty much down these days. That's one of the big motivators for me to adhere to my vegetarian and now mostly vegan diet. But non-violence in my speech and thoughts is more nuanced. Hmmm. This is something that I want to contemplate a little more deeply. I think that I will repeat this meditation tomorrow and see what other thoughts come up.


Today's Weight: 214.0

TOTAL OF 22 POUNDS LOST

Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
old fashioned glazed doughnut
(10 am - The Patisserie)
big green salad w/ toasted sesame dressing
honey roasted peanuts & raisins
vegetarian samosa
Itoen green tea
(2 pm - Govindaji's)
8 oz Kombucha
(5 pm - work)

MEDITATION #17

Bikram Kaimuki - class #49
8:15 pm w/ Jeremy

Jeremy is awesome. I had a decent class w/ him tonight even though my left knee was really bugging me. I tried hard but didn't feel as strong as I have been lately. I've had an issue w/ that knee happening over the last few days and it's been slowly creeping up on me. Tonight in class it was the most bothersome it's been. I couldn't sit Japanese style without it hurting. And in fixed firm my hips were nowhere near the floor and I couldn't even lean back onto my hands because it felt like too much pressure. Not sure exactly what it is. Probably an old injury working itself out. I used to run a lot of miles and that takes a toll. Especially on the joints. I'm going to continue to back off those postures that don't feel right and see what happens.

I've also been a little melancholy here and there the last day or so. I've been thinking a lot about my Australian Cattle Dog, Marley. She was my faithful companion for 14 and a half years. So smart, so full of energy, really an incredible dog. I had to put her down this past August and right now I am missing her a lot for some reason. Don't get me wrong. I love my goofy poi dog, Buddha, beyond words. And I truly hope that she will be with me for 14+ years as well. But she isn't Marley. That one was so completely dedicated to me and only me. I got her as a little puppy just a few months after my dad died and she saw me through so very much. My life will always have an emptiness without her - which, of course, is also true about my dad. It's kind of like you get used to the pain of the loss but it never really goes away. Moments like this it is comforting somehow because it reminds me of the beautiful beings that have graced my life and made me feel so deeply.

Today's meditation talks about the first four limbs of yoga as love in action. The thing Gates said that really struck a chord with me is that each loving action we take infuses us with the energy to love more in the future. I guess I can relate this concept to what I've been feeling lately. Missing my dog. Missing my dad, too, because he's probably the most important person I've lost in my life. I know that I need to focus on the love. It might sound silly but my dad and my dog both loved me completely and without condition. Different kinds of love. But with both I knew that there was nothing that I could ever do to make them stop loving me. I think that my dad was the first person who made me feel that. And maybe Marley came into my life after he was gone in order to help me remember. Regardless, my capacity for love was increased by both of them. And I am forever grateful that I had each of them with me for the time that I did.

Sorry to go off on such somber tangent. Now I'm going to get all sappy & nostalgic and revert to The Samples, who express what I'm feeling so well in these lyrics:

Maybe nothing lasts forever,
Not the mountains or the sea.
But these times we've had together
They will always be with me.

Also found it on youtube if anybody wants to listen to the whole song:




Today's Weight: 215.0

Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
honey roasted peanuts
(10 am - The Patisserie)
veggie & avocado sandwich on a croissant
Itoen green tea
(2 pm - Baile)
stone ground white corn chips
homemade hummus
baby carrots
(6 pm - home)

MEDITATION #16

Bikram Kaimuki - class #48
8:15 pm w/ Jeremy

I *heart* Jeremy. He has a very calming energy and he seems like such a genuinely nice guy. It's weird, though... Now that I'm starting to master Kevo's class I feel like I kind of cruise through when I have one of the other instructors. Again, that's not to say that they take it easy on us or that I don't work hard. The classes themselves are just less intense. Today I held camel for the entire time during both sets for a second day in a row. I also held triangle for the entire time. The compression postures are really the hardest for me, largely because of the extra girth I have in strategic places on my body. However, I do find that I am able to get deeper into many of them. Ah, progress. It's all happening. Slowly but surely.

Today's meditation talks about the fact that many people come to yoga without a mature spiritual practice and so are initially missing out on a crucial part of it. In this regard I feel very fortunate. The main thing that drew me to yoga was the spiritual aspect. I love the fact that I can sweat and work my ass off for 90 minutes, achieving a similar endorphin high to running for that same time period. But even more than that I crave the integration of body-mind-spirit that yoga develops in me. I have never found this to the same degree in any other physical activity. Of course I'm constantly working to deepen my spiritual practice. Still, I feel ahead of the game in that I really *get* this amazing connection. Yoga serves to bring the rest of my spiritual beliefs - that were kind of floating out in space on their own - together in such a way that it all makes sense. And the sum is far greater than the individual parts.

I've commented before that my weight loss has been slower than I'd like it to be - but in a way that's not really true. I'm well aware that if the pounds come off slowly that it is far more likely that the changes will be permanent. I also realize that I'm doing this the right way. I am building muscle. I am sending fresh oxygenated blood throughout my entire system on a regular basis. I am making incremental changes to my diet that will all add up over the long run. For all of these reasons, I'm very happy with my progress. I *know* without any doubt whatsoever that I will get down to an ideal weight for me. It might take a year. But I am really and truly OK with that.

One of my sisters said something to me a while back that has stayed with me. She told me that when I was ready to lose the weight then it would just go. I believe that she's right. I have such an incredible wealth of knowledge about diet, exercise, health, fitness, etc. I've read volumes on these subjects over my lifetime. I even worked as a sales manager for a nationally advertised weight loss program. I know how to lose the weight, it's just a matter of putting what I know into practice. But beyond the physical logistics, there had to be an underlying reason that I let myself get so heavy in the first place. The weight had to be serving some purpose for me. So I have been affirming that I am willing to let go of whatever that might have been. I don't need to analyze it or root it out. I just need to be willing to release it. And eventually it *will* simply go.

Another sister and I (there are 5 of us - btw) decided to set goals for ourselves for the next 4 weeks so that we can hold each other accountable. So between now and March 23rd, when I head out to visit my family in the Bay Area, these are my health and fitness goals:

Replace morning muffin with fruit salad
Eliminate all obvious animal products
(w/ butter as an occasional exception)
Drink one green tea per day
Eat one green salad per day
Drink at least a gallon of plain water a day
Walk Buddha every day (30-60 minutes)
Bikram Yoga every day

Today's Weight: 217.0

Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
(9 am - The Patisserie)
green salad w/ strawberry, mango, cranberry & walnuts
tomato basil soup
Itoen green tea
(12:30 - 1132 Cafe)
2x Hershey 100 calorie chocolate pretzel packs
honey roasted peanuts
(3:30 pm - work)
small portion pesto pasta
(6:30 pm - home)

MEDITATION #15

Bikram Kaimuki - class #47
8:15 pm w/ Kevo

Another really great class for me. My goal was to hold camel for the entire time both sets. Low and behold - what do you know? I ACTUALLY DID IT!! I've got to admit that I was a tad slow setting up, but I freekin' held the pose for the entire time. And Kevo holds camel extra long, especially the second set. I am so ridiculously proud of myself right now.

It all began because today I read through an old post where I mentioned that I held camel until I thought I was going to pass out. Then I started thinking about the worst that could happen if I stayed upside down like that even after I thought that I couldn't. Would I actually pass out? Would I collapse backwards? Would I fling forward? I realized that the answer to all of those scenarios was probably "no" - so I decided to try it. I made up my mind to stay in that one particular posture for the entire time both sets just to see what would happen.

Holy cow talk about a breakthrough. I felt dizzy and nauseous and a whole host of different emotions. I even saw black spots for about 30 seconds or so after coming out of it. WOW. I set my intention, I tapped into my power, and I succeeded. Now I am going to have to try this with other postures I struggle with. ;))

Today's meditation talks about drishti or the concept of gaze point in yoga and compares it to the Native American practice of teaching their children active observation. Gates says, "Our yoga practice allows us to participate in this tradition. Our willingness to see what we are looking at allows us to perpetuate it." I really like this concept. Wayne Dyer calls it becoming the observer. This is something that can have tremendous benefit in all aspects of life. Look without judgment at what's happening and *really* see what you're looking at. So obvious yet so profound.



Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
blueberry muffin
(9 am - The Patisserie)
bbq tofu foccacia sandwich
green salad
(2 pm - Umeke)

MEDITATION #14

Again no class for me today. I didn't make it during the day like I should have. And then we had an Oscar-watching party at our house in the evening and I felt like I'd be rude if I left. No worries, tomorrow is another day. I had a couple of glasses of champagne and I probably ate a little bit too much. But I didn't have any meat or dairy, so I am proud of myself for that. I do feel like I've been missing class too much lately. For the next few weeks - probably until I head to California to visit in March - I am going to try to go every day to get my discipline and focus back where they need to be.

In today's meditation Gates talks about the importance of rest. He says that as we develop our yoga practice we can actually learn to rest in the pose. This concept is not new to me. When I swam competitively I learned to push really hard into the flip turn at each wall and then back off a little, stretch out and breathe while swimming back to the other wall. When I ran marathons I would alternate periods of time pushing myself with periods of time easing up or at least changing my stride while still running. I think that active rest is a crucial part of most endurance athletic activities. Yoga is no different. I need to learn to pace myself while still working hard. And more importantly, try to follow Jeremy's sage advice in/after every class: "Do your best and be happy with that."


Today's Weight: 215.5


Today's Food Choices:
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, orange juice smoothie
(10 am - home)
leftover chocolate chip pancake w/ regular syrup
(12 pm - from Mulvadi Cafe)
cheerios w/ almond milk
1 small brownie
(2 pm - home)
4 slices veggie pizza w/ garlic sauce but no cheese
(6 pm - from Papa John's)
homemade hummus w/ lavosch crackers
homemade mango cobbler
2 glasses of champagne
(8 pm - home)

MEDITATION #13

Bikram Kaimuki - class #46
4:30 w/ Kevo

Yes the day has come that I never thought would - I can say without a doubt that Kevo is now one of my favorite teachers. I had another strong class with him tonight. I even held triangle for the full time, both sides and both sets. I did come out of camel early, but that's at least partly because my back was hurting. And I did stay in until I felt like I was gonna pass out if I remained upside down another second. Overall I put forth a very good effort in all the postures tonight. I have to say that I like taking class from a lot of different teachers. It's good to experience a variety of people's individual styles. The dialogue is pretty close to the same every class. But the teachers add their own interpretation and personality to it. I gain unique insights from each and every teacher whose class I attend.

On another note, even though my weight loss has been less than spectacular I am definitely feeling thinner. I'm fitting into jeans that I haven't been able to wear since the beginning of last summer. A little bit more background... I stopped drinking diet soda in June of 2008. Prior to that I probably drank at least one diet beverage a day since I was about 11 or 12. The only periods where I didn't do this were during prolonged fasts here and there. So this was also a big deal for me. I got terrible migraine headaches for about 6 weeks. Now I get a headache if I have anything with aspartame or saccharin in it.

Anyway, when I initially stopped the diet drinks I switched to regular soda or tea with sugar and this caused me to gain about 30 lbs. I have since switched to plain tea or water. But to make a long story short... I am now fitting into jeans that I could wear before I gave up diet drinks and gained that additional weight. So even though I have only lost 20 lbs or so, I am fitting into pants that I wore when I was 10 lbs lighter than I am now.

I believe that there is really something to be said about the shrinking power of Bikram Yoga. Jenn from Seattle mentions this in her blog. With regular Bikram practice, your body actually condenses itself. Which makes sense when you take into consideration that muscle weighs more than fat but is more compact. I believe that I am living proof that this is true. I am shrinking in size faster than the number on the scale is decreasing. And it is all thanks to my regular visits to Bikram's Torture Chamber.

Today's meditation talks about the concept that what we resist persists. Gates says. "We do not have to succumb to the tyranny of our own self-judgment. We can observe our reactions with awareness, and let them go." My knee-jerk response to this was, "Yeah right, easier said than done!" But then I took a step back and became the observer of that reaction. I realized that, no - actually - it's *not* easier said than done. Just let it go without judgment. Simple. Perfect. Easy. And what a huge relief.

Today's Weight: 216.5


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz coffee w/ vanilla syrup & almond milk
kona chocolate chip pancakes w/ coconut syrup
(12 pm - Mulvadi Cafe)
4 slices veggie pizza w/ garlic sauce but no cheese
(8 pm - Papa John's)

MEDITATION #12

Bikram Kaimuki - class #45
6:30 pm w/ Kevo

Another good class. So weird because when I first started I used to dread Kevo's class and now I actually look forward to it. I like that he pushes harder than most of the teachers. I like that he moves through the standing series quickly even while holding many of the poses extra long. I *really* like that he opens the door frequently. I'm sure that a big part of it is that I am getting better at pacing myself during his class. Tonight I think I might have pushed a little too hard in the spine-strengthening series because my lower back is feeling a bit pinched. But I still finished strong. Very nice.

In today's meditation Gates addresses letting go of judgment about our practice. He says, "As long as we stand apart in judgment, we sabotage the opportunity for connection and integration in yoga." This is something that I struggle with. I know rationally that I must release judgment, but I still hang on to it just the same. I am an analyzer. I like to pick things apart in order to see what makes them tick. I like to figure out why things happen. I especially tend to do this in my yoga practice and with my eating habits. The truth is that at the end of the day the "why" really doesn't matter. It only matters what you do in the next moment.


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
lemon poppyseed muffin
(10 am - The Patisserie)
large green salad w/ toasted sesame dressing
1 vegetarian samosa
(1:30 - Govindaji's)
fruit salad - pineapple, grapes, cantaloupe & honey dew
8 oz Kombucha
(5:00 pm - work)
stone-ground white corn chips w/ fresh salsa
(9 pm - home)

MEDITATION #11

No class for me tonight. I had to go all the way down to the bank at Kahala to deposit my check after work and then went home to chill a bit. Now I'm just not motivated to get myself together and head back out to the studio. I'm also still on the very tail end of a little cough and sniffly nose - so I figure the rest will probably do me more good than harm.

Today's meditation deals with making your practice a priority. Guess it's a little ironic that I didn't make it to yoga, then. But overall I have been very good about making it an absolute priority in my life. Jeez, a couple of days a week I leave the house at 8 am and don't return until after 10 pm. If that's not dedication towards a higher purpose, I don't know what is.

Gates says, "By choosing to practice yoga, we are saying that our spiritual growth is important to us." Again this really resonates with me. My spiritual growth is definitely a priority. And because I am living this truth in my life right now, I find myself in a period of rapid evolution. I am changing on so many levels. I am assimilating new behaviors, ideas, and knowledge. Though on the surface things might not seem that different, my life is in the process of being completely transformed. It's very exciting and a little scary. But I embrace the changes because I know that I'm up for whatever this next stage brings as I accelerate towards my destiny.


Today's Weight: 215.0

TOTAL OF 21 POUNDS LOST


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
banana nut muffin
(9 am - The Patisserie)
portabella mushroom burger
natural salt & pepper potato chips
green papaya salad
(1 pm - Umeke Market)
8 oz Kombucha
(5:30 pm - work)
French bread w/ Earth Balance spread
(7:45 pm - home)

MEDITATION #10

Bikram Kaimuki - class #44
6:30 pm w/ Michele

Tonight's class was another ass-kicker. I really like Michele. She is not only very sweet, but also gorgeous. She has a Brazilian accent and the kind of yoga body that is simply to die for. She's not really a hard teacher, but she keeps the room H-O-T. And she doesn't open the doors a whole lot. I seriously felt dizzy on and off throughout simply because of the relentless heat & humidity. Makes me realize how attached I am to the little bits of fresh air that most of the teachers give us here and there at strategic moments in class. That being said, I had a solid practice. The class was already crowded by the time I got there so I had to set up in the front. And that was also a little bit out of my comfort zone. Still I didn't sit out any postures - which is saying a lot because there was all kinds of sitting and laying down happening tonight in class. A couple of people even left the room. But I was able to push through.

I also had my second A & P exam today. I felt like I did really well - but when I checked my grade online, realized that I didn't do quite so good as I thought. Bottom line is that I wasn't adequately prepared. I think that from now on I am going to take a personal day on exam days. It is really important for me to do well in school in order to keep my nursing program options open. I need to get an "A" and the only way I can do that is to ace the next 2 exams and the final. So the pressure is on and exam days will be sacred from here on out. ;))

Today's meditation discusses readiness and its relationship to renunciation. Gates says that before we are ready to renounce something, renunciation seems like a pointless sacrifice. But then a shift in perception occurs and we are no longer at ease with our old ways. I feel like my yoga practice has facilitated this shift for me. I am now literally looking at every aspect of my life with new eyes. And I believe that the behaviors which are not conducive to my chosen path will begin to fall away. In fact, I can already see this happening.

One is drinking alcohol. I had a glass of wine tonight - but just one. And this is the first glass of wine that I've had in weeks. Since the beginning of the new year and my yoga journey I can count on one hand the number of alcoholic beverages I have consumed. I had 2 beers watching the Superbowl with friends who were visiting from the mainland on 2/01/09 and I had one glass of wine at a company dinner on 1/08/09. This is a big deal for me. I used to have a couple of glasses of wine, or a beer or two, pretty much every night. And on weekends I'd have more like 3 or 4. It's weird but that just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I had one glass of wine and I *really* enjoyed it. But I don't feel the need to keep mindlessly drinking just because it's there.

The same shift is also happening for me with food but a little more gradually. I am trying to really think about every little thing that I put into my mouth and how it will affect me later. Again, this is a major shift for me. Or at least a shift from my recent approach to food. And I know that it has happened because of my decision to start on this path of yoga.


Today's Weight: 216.5


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
bran muffin
(9 am - The Patisserie)
tofu & veggie summer rolls w/ peanut sauce
tossed green salad w/ vinaigrette dressing
(2 pm - Baile)
6 pack of Oreo cookies
(5:30 pm - snack from the vending machine @ KCC)
1 glass really good Riesling
2 bites garlic rice from Little Village
(9 pm - home)

MEDITATION #9

Bikram Kaimuki - class #43
8:15 pm w/ Jeremy

Tonight I had a pretty good class. I sorta felt like I had to pee about halfway through, which made for an interesting floor series. But I didn't leave the room. And I did almost straighten my leg completely on both sides of floor head to knee stretching. Nothing fantastic, but nothing terrible either. Just an overall decent class.

My goals for the rest of this week are to drink *at least* a gallon of water every day and to eliminate all obvious animal products. I am trying to drink my water between meals and not with them because I understand that is better for digestion. Moving forward I am also going to list the times I'm eating in order to see if there's a pattern worth noting. And I am going to try to be better about taking my supplements. I have been pretty religious about taking the nano silver and chaga both AM & PM as well as the Yoga Body at least an hour before class, but I need to keep up with my schedule for the rest of them as well.

Today's meditation is pretty deep. It talks about abhyasa which loosely translated means practice. But Gates tells us that abhyasa is also the attitude with which practice is approached and that aspect of it is unconditional. In his words, "It is the dedicated, unswerving application of what you believe in." I don't know that I have reached that point in any facet of my life. But it is certainly something that I strive for. I have moments of surrendering to the process, but these are interspersed with periods of trying too hard to make life look like I think it should. So this is an area where I need work. And my willingness is enough to get me started on the path to getting there someday.


Today's Weight: 218.5


Today's Food Choices:
20 oz cafe mocha w/ soy milk
macadamia nut muffin
(10 am - The Patisserie)
veggie & avocado sandwich on a croissant
(2 pm - Baile)
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, orange juice smoothie
(6 pm - home)

MEDITATION #8

Bikram Kaimuki - class #42
9:00 am w/ Noa

When I got up this morning I was thinking that I'd go for a double, but now I'm just not feeling it. Noa's class this morning was difficult for me. It was really crowded and I was getting annoyed by every little thing. The lady next to me sighing and constantly wiping her face. The girl behind me hitting my feet every time she got ready to do a situp. The horrible, rotten-milk smell that seemed to be coming from the carpet directly beneath my mat. Even Noa moving around on the stage and blocking my view of the mirror. It got to the point where I finally realized that all these people weren't trying to be assholes on purpose and that it had to be me. And I tried to let it go. But it was just one of those days when I couldn't do it. Oh well. I was hoping to head back for Tom's class and redeem myself, but I've had a low-grade headache all afternoon. So I think I'm better off skipping it.

I also think that I need to let go of the 60 in 60 goal. At least for now. I have been doing really well. I have not missed more than one day in a row since I started this practice. I'm 5 classes behind right now and don't think that I'll be able to pull off 5 doubles in the next 2 weeks. Not to say that I won't attempt to do this again. But for the time being I need to acknowledge the tremendous gains that I have made and focus on getting rid of this cold once and for all.

Today's meditation is about letting go of the things that hold us back. Gates says that when we make a commitment to our practice, then the obstacles to our progress suddenly come into clear focus. I do feel this happening to me. That is one of the reasons I realize that I have got to give up dairy. I am not going to be the healthy, vibrant, yoga goddess that I know I am capable of becoming while still eating gobs of cheese all the time. Dairy makes me foggy. It causes frequent colds and makes losing weight a lot more difficult. And I am sure that there will be other things that I discover I need to relinquish as the time goes by. The yoga practice kind of puts everything into perspective for me. It gives me a new standard to live up to.


Today's Weight: 219.5 - before yoga
Today's Weight: 217.0 - after yoga ;))


Today's Food Choices:
1 apple
24 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, mint, orange juice smoothie
4 piece falafalel w/ pita bread, hummus and hot sauce
large portion of garlic fries
Greek salad - no cheese
15 baby carrots

MEDITATION #7

I didn't go to yoga class today. In fact I spent most of the day sleeping. I was up a good part of the night coughing so I guess I needed the rest. I did take Buddha to the park in the late afternoon. But other than that I really didn't do a damn thing today. I may still try to do a double tomorrow, but will have to play it by ear depending on how I feel.

Today's meditation addresses the idea that we cannot save the world without saving ourselves first. Gates says, "Many of us have spent years trying to ameliorate the world's suffering without first confronting our own." This concept also really rings true for me. Already from doing yoga consistently over the last several weeks I feel like I'm "showing up" more in my everyday life. I feel like I have been more productive on my job. I feel like I am more pleasant and patient in my daily interactions. I am also more present with the people I care about, even while I have less time to spend with them. Quality over quantity - right?

Most importantly, though I find that I am being more patient with myself. That's what today was about. I felt under the weather and tired and crampy. So I gave myself permission to relax and lounge in bed all day long. Tomorrow is another day but for tonight I am going to continue to take it easy and not worry that I didn't accomplish everything that I wanted to do. Today was all about getting healthy again. The task list can wait till I'm feeling better.


Today's Weight: 216.0


Today's Food Choices:
2 apples
Teeccino Maya Chai w/ almond milk & stevia
4 slices veggie pizza - no cheese
(leftover from Papa John's)
vegetarian pho soup
(leftover from SuperPho)
15 baby carrots
1 small brownie

MEDITATION #6 (REDUX)

Bikram Kaimuki - class #41
4:30 pm w/ Kevo

I decided to repeat Day Six because I wanted to contemplate the message a little further. To paraphrase: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. I need to make a new beginning. I need to live a life in harmony with my belief system. Doing the yoga and eating crap isn't going to cut it for me anymore. I don't promise that I will never slip, but I do promise that I will try my best not to.

Let me regress with a little bit of history about me. I was a vegetarian for 10+ years. Not a very healthy vegetarian. I still ate seafood and fried foods pretty regularly. And way, way too much dairy, especially cheese. Besides that I've often been an emotional eater, using food to numb feelings that I couldn't or didn't want to deal with. I haven't always been heavy. There have been periods where I was very thin but only with a lot of exercise and pretty tight control over my eating habits. And something always seemed to happen and I'd turn to food as a coping mechanism. The last several years I have not been vegetarian and my eating has been pretty much out of control. I guess I sort of gave up on myself for a while.

I realize that I need to re-work my entire relationship to food. I do feel like I'm already starting to - the yoga has helped tremendously with that. But it is time for me to give up dairy once and for all. It's bad for me. I know it. I function so much better without it. And I need to give up animal products as well. I don't want to be ingesting the energy of pain and suffering, not to mention all the chemicals and hormones in our meat supply. I need to try my very best to live a cruelty free life. I've also got to give up the idea that it will ever be easy. I have to let go of the notion that I'll get to a place where I can eat whatever I want, because it isn't going to happen.

Reading this lesson in Gates' book made something click in my head. I can't pretend anymore. It is time for me to align my beliefs with my actions. And I need to start in the most basic of ways with the food I put into my mouth. I can longer give my money to corporations, like McDonalds, that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt are so completely 180 degrees at odds with my belief system. It is time to very literally put my money where my mouth is. And I can no longer continue to put shitty food into my body. I am working so hard to clean out all the junk that's accumulated over years. It's completely counter-productive for me to pour more of the same crap into a clean system. So today I am once again a vegetarian. I did have a little dairy, but will make a serious effort to eliminate all of it from my diet. I will continue to focus on eating mindfully and with control.

Well besides all of that, I had another really good class with Kevo. Gauging from the heavy breathing and the grunting & groaning through the class, I really don't think he's gotten any easier. Which can only mean that I am getter stronger. Me... 41 years old... 60-70 lbs overweight... fighting off a cold for the last few days. The one who's only a little over a month into this regular practice. And who started her period today - sorry if that's too much information. But I'm just saying... *I* made it through "the sargeant's" class without sitting out any postures. And I felt pretty strong when we hit the floor. I even held the second set of camel the longest that I think I've ever held it. Who knew that I had all that strength and discipline!? Before long I'll be saying that Kevo is one of my favorites. But for now I am just thankful that I am open to being pushed past my comfort zone.

Today's Weight: 217.0


Today's Food Choices:
chocolate chip pancakes w/ Earth Balance vegan spread & coconut syrup
large cappuccino w/ vanilla syrup and reduced fat milk
(from Cafe Mulvadi)
FuManChew lemonade made w/ maple syrup & cayenne pepper
4 slices veggie pizza w/ garlic sauce but NO CHEESE
(from Papa John's)
1 small brownie

MEDITATION #6

Bikram Kaimuki - class #40
6:30 pm w/ Kevo

I had another really good class tonight. I am actually pretty darn proud of myself. The nice thing about having a hard teacher is how fantastic it feels when you improve to the point where their class gets less hard. That is what happened tonight. I didn't struggle nearly as much as I usually do in Kevo's class. It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. It was just much smoother and I didn't feel like I was gonna die by the time we hit the floor. ;))

Today's meditation was such a powerful message for me. It talks about the twin paths of practice and renunciation. Gates says, "Renunciation on its own has no staying power. You can renounce bananas all you like, but if you continue to live in your banana home on your banana street, if you keep your job at the banana warehouse and hang out with your banana-gobbling friends, you'll be eating bananas before you know it." WOW! No fucking shit. Then he goes on to say, "Practice is doing the work. It is following up the intention with action." Profound. This applies to so many areas of my life. Hmmm. I think I'm going to let his words digest a bit and revisit them tomorrow.

On that note - new plan. I have not been able to motivate myself to get up once this week to do the Baptiste video. So I think I am just going to focus on Bikram for now. I feel like I should mention that I also walk my dog, Buddha, every morning before I go to work. I usually take her out for 30-60 minutes Mon-Fri and then to the dog park on the weekends. I've had a really tough time getting up extra early to do a yoga video in addition. And it's a much bigger priority for me to get her out and exercised before I leave her alone all day. With the craziness of my schedule it's better for me to let go of this particular goal for the time being.

That being said, I am going to try to finish up 60 Bikram classes in 60 days. Today is day 44 and I've done 40 classes so far. If I do 4 doubles and don't miss any classes out of the next 16 days, I am there. I'm planning a double tomorrow (Sat), a double on President's Day (Mon), and then a double on each of the following 2 Sundays. As long as I beat this sinus thing by tomorrow I can totally handle that. If not, then my backup plan is to do doubles both Sat & Sun for the last 2 weekends in February. Piece of cake. Not exactly the sixty in sixty that Bikram advocates but close enough for my first time around.

Today's Weight: 218.5


Today's Food Choices:
Egg McMuffin sandwich
hash brown patty
large vanilla iced coffee
(McDonald's - I am going to have to look more closely at this addiction)
9 Hershey's kisses
4 chicken rolled tacoes w/ cheese, guacamole, sour cream, salsa & lettuce
(from Just Tacoes)
1 small brownie still hot from the oven

MEDITATION #5

Bikram Kaimuki - class #39
6:30 pm w/ Tom

I had a surprisingly decent class tonight. I didn't sleep very well last night and was a little bit cracked out all day from taking an Allegra this morning. But it seems that when Tom is teaching I have more good classes than bad. I held most of the postures for longer than normal for me and still felt pretty strong all the way through to the end.

I was up 4 lbs at this morning's weigh in, though. Which was probably from all the sodium in the pho I had in the evening. I know better. When I stop eating by 6:30 pm - or 7 at the latest - I almost always lose weight. When I don't, I either stay the same or I gain. So from here on out I will do my best to have all my major calories before going to evening yoga class. I will keep up with the Kombucha afterwards and maybe even a piece of fruit here and there if I'm really hungry. But never a full meal this late in the evening.

I also feel like I need to give myself a little bit of a pat on the back for what I am trying to accomplish. No getting around it - I am pretty darn heavy right now. I am tall (5'9") so I carry it relatively well, but 200+ pounds is still way too big for my frame. So I need to give myself proper credit for making it through Bikram class without sitting out or leaving the room. 90 minutes of strenuous poses in a heated room is hard at a normal weight. At my weight it's downright heroic. I feel that a good weight for me is somewhere between 140-150 pounds. But I will be ecstatic even to get down to 160. It will happen. I have complete and total confidence. I just need to keep going to class and let the yoga work its magic. I also need to be conscious of what I'm eating and keep the faith that the changes are happening at a microscopic level. Those little changes will gradually add up to huge changes that are impossible not to notice.

Today's meditation talks about how to deal with negative behavior. Gates suggests not to fight it, but to focus instead on positive behavior. It's like the old adage - whatever you think about expands. If you are constantly dwelling on what's bad then you are inadvertently drawing more of it into your life. Instead focus on the good and on what you do want more of. And before long that very thing will show up for you in ever greater quantities.

Today's Weight: 220.0


Today's Food Choices:
egg spinach & feta wrap
grande caramel macchiato
(Starbucks)
veggie & avocado sandwich on a croissant
small bag sour cream & onion potato chips
(from Baile)
8 oz Kombucha

MEDITATION #4

I didn't go to yoga this evening because I was having a pretty bad allergy, sinus thing happening for the latter part of the day. I did make it to my A&P class but then stopped to get pho and went home. Seems like I made the right decision cause I am still having a very hard time breathing. Going to take some Benadryl and go to bed. Tomorrow's another day and I hope that I feel better then.

In today's meditation Gates says to let your practice be the canoe - to get in and then shove off shore. He also says, "Let your practice be a refuge from your need to control." I've often heard Jeremy and Kevo say not to think during class but to let them do the thinking for you for 90 minutes. I do try to go with the flow and to let the practice take me where it will. But I will try even harder to relinquish thinking that I know what's best or what I'm capable of doing in a given class. And instead try to surrender and just relax into the process.

Today's Weight: 216.0

TOTAL OF 20 POUNDS LOST

Today's Food Choices:
Egg McMuffin sandwich
hash brown patty
large vanilla iced coffee
(alas, from McDonald's - but 730 calories vs. 990)
scoop yellow curry w/ tofu & vegetables
small piece veggie lasagna
small salad w/ raisins & sunflower seeds
scoop white rice w/ Bragg's Amino Acids
lentil & vegetable soup
(from Govindaji's)
9 Hershey's kisses
vegetarian pho soup
(from SuperPho)
8 oz Kombucha

MEDITATION #3

Bikram Kaimuki - class #38
8:15 pm w/ Jeremy

Jeremy is another of my very favorite teachers right now. He has such good energy - so friendly and supportive. It doesn't hurt that he's also totally yummy to look at. He's not as hard as Kevo but he still kicks our butts. Today was another difficult class for me. I have been kind of hitting a wall when we get to the floor for the last few classes. Today it could have been that I didn't eat as many dense calories as I'm used to. I don't really know. I did still try every posture, though I didn't go too far into any of the cobra series and I came out way early on both sets of camel. But I still tried them all. In fact, I haven't sat out a single posture since I've begun this regular practice. I know that the time may very well come when I truly need to lie down and rest. But for now I continue to push through.

Today's meditation talks about the need to do all eight limbs of yoga at once rather than sequentially. Gate says, "Each time we come to the mat, we have an opportunity to work the entire path, moment by moment." I really love that. And I feel that, that is exactly what I am doing. The yoga spills over into all areas of my life and I am calmer and more centered throughout my day. If I feel this good after less than six weeks on the path, I can't even begin to imagine how fantastic I will feel after 6 years. Because this is my way of life now and I cannot conceive of going back to where I was before I started on this journey.


Today's Weight: 218.5

TOTAL OF 17.5 POUNDS LOST

Today's Food Choices:
egg, spinach & feta wrap
grande caramel macchiato w/ soy milk
(from Starbucks)
large slice cheese pizza - square pan, deep dish
(from Papa John's)
32 oz pineapple, banana, spinach, & mint smoothie

MEDITATION #2

Bikram Kaimuki - class #37
8:15 pm w/ Tom

Tom has become one of my favorite teachers. He's not too, too hard and I really like his easy-going style. Mon and Wed I am taking Anatomy & Physiology at the local community college after work. And *then* I go to yoga after that. So these are 14 hour days for me. I was very tired from my long day, but I still had a good class. My balance was a little off. And I'm still finding that I push really hard through the standing series and then I'm kind of spent when I get to the floor. I did stay in camel for the full time both sets - so at least that's some progress. ;))

Today's meditation goes through the 8 limbs of yoga and compares them to spokes on a wheel that serve to compliment the whole. But the part that rang true for me was when he talks about the eight limbs as a map, emphasizing that the journey is more important than the destination. Gates even goes on to say that all that is really necessary is for us to remain open to our spiritual potential and be willing to take action. Deep, huh? I am going to try to remember that.

Today's Weight: 219.5

Today's Food Choices:
Egg Mc Muffin sandwich
hash brown patty
large vanilla iced coffee
(yes - I succumbed to the pull of Mc Donald's)
veggie & avocado sandwich on a croissant
small bag of Cheetos crunchy
16 oz strawberry banana apple juice smoothie
8 oz Kombucha

MEDITATION #1

Bikram Kaimuki - class #36
6:30 pm w/ Kevo

The jist of today's meditation is that a spiritual practice works by bringing us full circle - not to a new self but back to the essence of our true selves. Gates mentions Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz who had the power all along to get home. But in order to realize that power she had to go through a series of fantastic adventures which brought her to the point where she could finally believe it.

For me, yoga makes me believe in my own strength again. Bit by bit, posture by posture, class by class - I am becoming reaquainted with what I am capable of. And I am tuning into my higher self at the same time.

Tonight's class was very difficult. Kevo's nickname is "the sargeant" and he's known for being really hard. He holds all the tough postures longer than usual (like the second part of awkward and triangle) and then seems to breeze through the easier postures (like half tortoise and separate head to knee stretching). I have a really hard time pacing myself in his class. I usually push too hard during the standing series and then I'm exhausted by the time we hit the floor. I have to figure out how to save more energy for the end so that I can finish strong. But I'm well aware that those things that do not come easy for me are the ones that I probably need to do the most. So I try my best to do every last posture even if it's not full out. And what do you know? I always get through it somehow. Not only that, sometimes his class feels just a little bit more doable and I actually feel like I am making progress. ;))

Today's Weight: 221.0

Today's Food Choices:
2 med apples
chocolate chip pancakes w/ butter & coconut syrup (YUM!!!)
iced coffee w/ milk and 2 squirts vanilla syrup
1 piece of high fiber, multi-grain toast w/ peanut butter
baked macaroni & cheese
small piece of pork tenderloin

Welcome to my new blog dedicated to my yoga journey.

I began practicing Bikram Yoga regularly on Jan 1st, 2009. To date I have completed 35 classes in in the past 37 days. I lost about 10 lbs during this time, which is pretty amazing because I was eating a 990 calorie McDonalds breakfast 4-5 days a week. But I wanted to lay the foundation of daily yoga practice first before I tackle my diet.

In the past I've tried all kinds of fasting programs and really strict food plans; only to boomerang back into even worse eating habits. This time I want to build one layer at a time so that the changes will be permanent.

This blog will be about yoga as I deepen my practice, but I will also be blogging about my food choices and issues that come up as I set out to release 75-80 more pounds. I have decided to work through "Meditations from the Mat" by Rolf Gates. So I will post my thoughts on the daily meditations as well.

Bikram Yoga is my foundation. I will be going to the Kaimuki Studio here in Honolulu for 6-7 classes every week. The cardinal rule is that I can't ever miss more than one day in a row unless I am really and truly sick. When I travel I have Bikram's audio cd in case there isn't a studio nearby. I'm also thinking that I will incorporate Baptiste Power Yoga at home, probably 2-3 mornings a week. And I may take one day off because I feel like sometimes my body does better with a full day's rest. The goal is 9 classes per week and I do realize that is a very ambitious plan. But that is subject to change at any time if I feel a different routine will serve me better. Bottom line: I am trying to make big changes in my life and that is going to require BIG efforts made consistently on my part.

Aloha, Namaste, & Thanks for reading.

Today's Weight: 219.5

TOTAL OF 16.5 POUNDS LOST

Today's Food Choices:
2 med apples
large vegetarian tostada salad w/ fried shell
(lettuce, beans, tomatoes, olives, sour cream, cheese, salsa)
4-5 chocolate covered macadamia nuts
cheese quesadilla w/ salsa & guacamole
1/2 cup Dreyer's Light caramel swirl ice cream
8 oz Kombucha